新东方网留学托福首页托福辅导托福写作正文

托福作文:深度分析高分写作的关键要素

2018-07-26 14:04

来源:北美留学考试资讯

作者:Michael

2018年留学备考规划>>点击查看
托福 雅思 GRE GMAT SAT

  考过托福的人知道,阅读听力满分易,口语写作满分难。那么问题来了,怎么样才能获得托福考官在主观题部分的青睐?小编以托福写作为例,抛砖引玉,让大家从一个不同的角度思考。

  下面给大家看一位写作21分的同学写的独立作文,这是新东方首考班写作真题中的一篇习作。附上老师对这篇作文的批(吐)改(槽),已更正部分低级拼写错误,其他原文呈现。

  独立作文题目

  Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Students now are more interested in politics than those in the past.

  With the globalization of the whole world(万能开头稍显弱,还有whole world这种画蛇添足的词汇,难道后面要分part world写?), politics are playing a more important role nowadays, both domestically and internationally. Thus, I agree that students have more interests in this area than those in the past for two reasons.

  First, the advanced technology, such as high-speed Internet, multi-media and smart mobile phone(什么是smart mobile phone,难道有smart phone不能mobile吗?), allows more students access to the politics events. The technology lay an essential foundament(是foundation吧) for students to keep in touch with those activities. For example, the presidency competition between Hiliton and Trump is getting more dramatic. Lots students(Lots是败笔) would watch the TV argument between them by phone, portable computer(什么是portable computer,专业一点就是laptop和ipad吧) and so on(等等等等……考官看中国考生文章会出现无数so on,审美疲劳有没有). They could even(上下句之间有even的递进关系吗,不明显) watch the live program as they are waiting for a bus, share their opinions on the internet while they are in the washroom and hear the speech in their car driving home. Therefore, the convincing efficiency and entertainment attract more and more(这篇作文good肯定是没戏了) students to focus on this politic event. However, students in the past even don't know how to watch the program(神转折,脑子里想的和表达出来的完全不是一个意思,过去的孩子怎么就不知道看电视节目了!他们又不是弱智!是没电视节目看!是没方便的途径!是However, students in the past lack the plentiful sources to approach politics compared with their counterparts nowadays的意思对伐).

  Moreover, the more open, transparent and friendly(堆这么多形容词……哎!请注意言之有物!) politic atmosphere provide a great chance for modern students to got involved(时态错了) in these politic activities. Take China for an example(有这种惯用表达吗,我们不是莎士比亚), students beyond 18 years old have the right to vote for political members, like chairman of the students union, which were used to be nominated by school in the past without permitting students to decide who they support and are supposed to be chairman(亲,这么长一句话知道自己在写什么吗?扣分句). This right just inspire the student to choose their own president(这么草草收尾,这论证有点意识流啊!).

  In a conclusion, the advanced equipments and the openess to ordinary studentsthe bring more students to join in the politic events(这什么意思?什么叫openess to ordinary students?难道还有special students?是不是想说More students are willing to talk about even participate in political events by the help of advanced technologies and increasing civic attitudes toward politics.).

  (计时写作,全文274词)

  这篇习作拿到托福考试中,很难达到GOOD要求,通俗讲就是 " 亲,不谈论证逻辑,不扯思维深度,就是语言,哥读的有点累啊,有地方要脑补啊,很多句子连不上啊!"

  那么一篇good标准的独立文章长什么样?还是以该题目为例,不改变上文的立场,不颠覆上文逻辑,尽量保持思维角度的一致性,仅从语言和论证严谨度来修改一下,计时创作一篇。

  An intriguing phenomenon occurring on and around campus nowadays is that students are more interested in politics than ever before. It is frequent to hear students talking about Obama Care or the latest Presidential Campaign in the United States when dinning in the cafeteria ,say like, Havard or MIT nowadays.

  To elaborate, technological advancements improve the readiness of politic access. In the past, society communicates in the form of letters, newspapers and radios with comparatively low efficiency and little convenience. For example, huge political events in China like the escape of once vice-president Lin Biao would not have gotten the attention of American students until many days even weeks later after VOA or CNN have broadcasted it. Even those American students have noticed the incredible political event from newspaper or radio, they have no source to check all the details from Chinese students or friends due to the information barrier between the two countries. In addition, students in the past only shape their perspectives on a political event through authority publications, causing bias in viewing the issue. However, students today can capture every piece of information, political and non-political, just at the time it goes on even on the other side of the globe and receive multiply sources of opinions from government perspective to public statements by the help of the internet, the invention of smart phones and other mobile devices, thanks to the advancement of multi-media technology. These new equipments connecting by the internet makes a strong and close relationship -- "Information Globalization"-- which shattered info barriers and make even the tiniest voice matter. For example, recently in China there is a breaking news that the wife of ChongQing city's mayor, Bo Gukailai, has been prosecuted for causing the death of a British businessman in Beijing. In the past, these "higher class" news will be soon concealed by authorities. But now, students from all over the country can learn about the event only a few hours after "rumors" spread quickly through Wechat or Weibo which left no room for public authority to "hide" any truth but to make a formal announcement and explain the situation.

  Also, the spirit of democracy is indeed growing its power not only in developed countries like US but also in developing countries like China even in undeveloped areas. Chinese students are under great supervision and monitoring in the past. As a result, college students are not permitted to talk about political figures or discuss central government policies. Of course, you can "whisper" in the dark, but you know the influence for that. But now, students are free to claim their thoughts about anything and everything even expressing very extreme ideas about politics on the internet just by click a "send" button in Wechat or any similar social APP. At least from what I know, nobody is getting arrested by talking or discussing politics which is so called "the forbidden zone" in the past.

  Admittedly, students in schools have little social experiences and usually come up with unrealistic conclusions or solutions about social problems or political events. But it doesn't hurt much to allow students to show bigger interest about it. After all, who rules the next century is always an issue of time, so encouraging students to enroll and learn politics is probably a question of "sooner rather than later" which might be a better way to look at it.

  (计时写作,全文556词)

  当我们回头去思考托福写作如何获得高分满分的时候?

  Is it about the template you would use in test? Is it about fancy words you paraphrase in article? Or is it about something meaningful with correct vocabulary and precise expression throughout the writing? In a word, make sure what you've written MAKES SENSE and let the scorer feel EFFORTLESSwhen glimpsing it through!

  高分写作不完全靠背模板,也不完全是抄范文(当然这些都有帮助),真正的高分满分托福作文要 " 多读书多看报少吃零食多睡觉 "。

  写作和口语不能闭门造车瞎逼练,否则会永远犯同样的错误,建议各位考生要么背诵地道的英文词句表达,要么找托福口语写作老师陪练(主要是修改习作),这些反馈可能比写多少“机经”都重要,至少节省钻进死胡同重复犯错的时间!

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(实习编辑:Lin)

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